my herd of ooks came a-calling

The other evening I was standing in my kitchen feeling irked by cyclically instigated spots on my face (oh, you spiteful moon!) and by a familiar voice from my past on the radio who brought back memories of another person I used to be and hated. I don't like hating myself as a rule but there are those times which I rarely revisit, and try only to do so when I've had about a week to mentally prepare myself, which arouse in me serious cases of the "ooks". Or is it "ewwks"? Nevertheless, sometimes I just feel all crawly.

So I spent some time relating how I was feeling to my better half, trying to explain what an "ook" was, where they come from, and attempted to solicit from him a confession of whether there were any memories from his life that bred any "ooks" for him. He's a lucky one, though. He rarely sets a foot wrong. Or when he does, he tumbles gracefully and pops right back up again, nothing broken, only bruised.

It took a while for me to banish my herd of "ooks". I sat at the dinner table enjoying the mannerly company (who dines with a knife and fork and doesn't get the meal all over the place, and doesn't end up wearing it either!), giddily indulging in red wine, and feeling no less like I had a gorilla suit on. Somehow I felt as though I was wearing the discomfort of painful memories, and I felt oafish, stupid and unrefined (not that I'm refined now, its just that I, too, have learned how to use a knife and fork).

I felt like I had been taken over and possessed by a spirit from the past, my past, who wouldn't let me go and live in peace, and it masked who I am now, it masked my very femininity (because it was, after all, a HE... most of those spirits from the past are...) and sat in my body like a lump with huge forearms and unsubtle disgrace, trying mightily to make me wear my food and act like a right ballocks.

I'm happy to report that it, or he, is gone today. Today there is only one person inhabiting my skin, and that is the person I've grown into and have choosen to be right now. I like the her that I am right now much better than the her I was five years ago, which is a little sad, but true.

And I HATE it when someting like that steals my thunder! It makes no sense to me that anything so unpleasant could still live somewhere inside me and come visit uninvited on the command of a simple voice on the radio. It's like that bloody movie, the one where a character has been programed with a key word or subliminal trigger which submits control of their mind to whomever utters that key word (Manchurian Candidate? Or was there some other movie?). Damn mind control.

Perhaps this spectre got it's last outing the other night. However, I shall remain vigilant, and perform feats of exorcism the next time I see a shadow looming.