my rebirthday

It started a year ago. It was a terrible disconnect from myself, brought about by probably my first real confrontation with the concept of my own mortality. I wasn't going to die or anything, I was just in a cycle of physical... um... things...

It's kind of funny because right now I don't want to talk about the physical issues I was having (but which you can read about at length in the archives) because I don't feel the need to feed the concept of those issues anymore. It's like they're non-issues now, and the less time spent naming them and placing intent on them, the better.

So the "things" a year ago was surgery, followed 8 months later with another surgery. And frustration, pain, and anger. And fear. Lots of fear. Chronic fear about a chronic problem. And whatever melancholia I was feeling before the past year of physical pain was amplified disproportionately to such an extent that, despite having a wonderful and fulfilling life, I felt hollow and powerless, and useless.

The surgeries had taken me out of my work loop twice in the space of a year and each time I had to disappear, recover, and then claw my way back into the work once I was able. Any of you who might be self-employed, and especially self-employed creatives, will understand the amount of energy it takes to pick up work where it was left off, and that oftentimes work doesn't pick up where it was left and you have to go in search of new work.

This was me for the past year. I was angry because my usually strong body kept failing me. I needed confirmation that I am not this pain. I went searching for my spiritual path in earnest for the first time in my life. My search started quietly, delving into Buddhism and several Buddhist or Hindu hybrids, and it has been building since last summer. And last weekend I found a turning point.

My father has been nudging me toward his guru for some time and partially to appease him, I attended a workshop weekend she held here in Ireland. I set my skepticism aside enough to keep from changing my mind about going, though in moments of depression I did consider not going. But I went.

I sat quietly and listened to people express and share the pain they have carried with them through their whole lives and felt grateful that I felt no deep personal pains to express, and no need to connect their pain to anything within me and share their tears, as many people were doing. I meditated successfully for the first time in my life and actually found it incredibly enjoyable. I'd never been able to do that before. I was aware that I had disconnected from my higher, creative self, and I had bought into the pain in my body and the pain of the ego. I set about dismantling the scaffold of judgment and guilt I surround myself with. I was learning how to forgive me and everyone around me. I was also aware that while I was doing this work, I wasn't having any great epiphanies, which was fine. I was happy just to reconnect with myself on a higher frequency.

And then she called on me to come sit with her during a meditation. She helped me go deep within, speaking out loud to the ballroom full of people but speaking directly and specifically to me. I can't recall what she said out loud, but I was aware of her moving with me, helping me to see what I needed to see.

I saw the world below and me, represented as a point of light. Between me and everyone I know and love there is a connection of light. She responded out loud to me when I saw this. I suddenly understood.

This web of light that I am seeing is the most important thing. I understand that I am loved and that I am love. I understand that this is really important. It just makes sense.

I was filled and overwhelmed with joy and it was only then that my eyes literally flooded. I was soaked. What a wonderful gift, to finally see this vision and understand it in fullness. Sitting here now, I don't know why I ever believed that the love that I have and the love others have for me wasn't important. It's so bloody simple.

As we took the meditation further, I felt the energy in the room coming at me from all the people facing my way. I sent light back into the room and felt it go from me. And then, in the simplest vision of gratitude, I saw a flower... a lotus flower... and it felt like a gift to me, a gift from me, a gift from something higher. It was gratitude. My gratitude. Her gratitude.

I opened my eyes and she handed me lilies (pictured in previous post) and whispered, "Happy Birthday. I love you."

I was overwhelmed again not because I felt awe of her, not because I felt I was touched by a being greater or more divine than myself, but rather it was her kindness that moved me. I was deeply touched by the thought that the vision she helped me to see was so important, she wouldn't let me leave the weekend without having seen it. I was deeply happy that the message that the she delivered to me wasn't anything about pain and suffering, but about love and my significance in love. I was deeply touched by her gift, her tenderness, and her care. I was also touched with the profound understanding that between her and me, there is no greater than and less than. She is not a guru above me. She and I are both the same.

Since last weekend I've been quietly asking the ego not to worry about forgetting the sensation I felt, or losing the meditation practice I learned. I'm content in a way that I've never been before. I'm so certain now of my path, my purpose, and my place in the physical and non-physical world, it's like a very heavy weight has been lifted off of me.

I am done with feeling guilt about trying to forge a career as an artist. I am finished with identifying myself solely as the flesh and blood that makes me a human and the pain that sometimes comes with it. I am ending my cycle of blaming myself and others for everything, I'm giving back what doesn't belong to me, and I'm forgiving myself and others with love and compassion. I can't make up for the past, so I will forgive my past and be here now.

If this is all that I offer the world when I come to the end of this life, just me living authentically, with intent, loving the people in my life and hopefully enriching more lives indirectly through that love, then that feels good to me. I'm not going to stop there, but it's a heck of a good start.