Excuse me while I make myself a cup of coffee...
Now... where do I begin?
I woke up distressed early this morning after a restless sleep. It seemed like I woke every five minutes. My dreams covered the gambit, really. Travel, heartbreak, people, choking... the usual.
One thing that stuck with me was a dream of constantly gagging on fish bones. I would spit a few from my mouth, reach in and dislodge one, feel more in there, spit more out. It just kept going and try as I might, no matter how often I cleared them from my mouth, more appeared. I'm not entirely sold on dream symbology, I mean we can give anything a meaning. That's what makes us unique on this planet, our ability to assign meaning and interpret things with language. But try as I might, I can't help but feel distressed still by this dream. I wish I knew what my dreaming mind is trying to tell me.
It was followed by another dream about my having left my partner in which we were together on a beach and there was a gaggle of mutual friends playing, of all things, beach volleyball. I was roundly being ignored by everyone because of the decision I had made. I knew I had no choice but to endure everyone in the place being unresponsive to me in favour of showing solidarity with him and I knew that it was well within reason that he should be in this place of showing me how hurt he was by hurting me back. And all I could do was feel bereft and then notice that I had on I don't know how many pairs of bikini bottoms, all different colours, and I started pulling at them, trying to see how many I had on... and never got to the bottom (pun intended). I just stood there looking down at myself thinking "What the fuck?" This dream was also pretty distressing for more abstract reasons but I couldn't tell you why.
I lay awake in the dark for some time this morning, as I do most mornings, wishing I could knock myself out for days, talking myself into not wanting to feel like disappearing, reaching for a thought that felt better. I listened to the howl of wind outside which, thankfully, is a sound I haven't heard a whole lot of since I moved into my own place. Each gust felt like a response to the feeling in my heart, in my core. Angry, rushing in bursts, the sound of unsettling. I lay still and waited for the desire to vanish to dissipate.
I lay awake and think of my options. I think about return, I think about retreat. And I think about mastery. I can neither return nor retreat, I have to advance and I have to master this, whatever this is.
5 comments:
Interesting, these dreams. I too have been having strange dreams lately. As you know, I left my husband nearly 2 years ago. It still haunts me. I was a homeowner. A wife. Now I rent a little apartment surrounded by strangers. I have a boyfriend that I regularly disappoint. I believe we are at the point where he will no longer forgive me. I am on trial. I'm awaiting my sentence. I am expert at inspiring revile and head shaking in others. Still, I try not to let it squash my resolve to let go and move on. I carry so much shit.
I dreamt last night about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, (now friend), again. This time the dream was that we went to her house. It was sparkling gold, gleaming really. He portrays her the same way he does his mother: a saint. We went inside and it was decorated in blues, greens and taupe. There was fabric on the window that I pushed aside to look out and discovered a cat on the low ledge. He disappeared into the back of the house, which turned out to be much smaller than it appeared at first. I looked around in the spare bedroom and bathroom until I finally made my way to the main bedroom. All tiny rooms. All dark and gray. I realized even in my dream that I had superimposed my ex-mother-in-law's apartment on this dreamed house. I realized that this ex-girlfriend, like my ex-mother-in-law was saintly and lonely.
My boyfriend (in the dream) wanted to fool around on her bed. I couldn't do and I told him so. He was naked. I was not.
I woke up at 3am to the loud sounds of my neighbors playing a fucking video game. I lay in bed and listened for 2 hours until I finally, angrily, got up. I felt tired and drained. Then I had a thought and this is what I really want to share with you.
I forgive myself. I left my husband, and I forgive myself. I am okay. I am enough. I have been asking myself lately: what can he give me that I can't give myself (speaking here of my boyfriend). I feel like I consistently disappoint him and let him down yet we're still together. I don't know what's worse: leaving and feeling like a disappointment, or staying and feeling that way. Also, that he shares with his ex-girlfriend, (now friend) that he's dissatisfied with the relationship is also a major cause of stress for me. (Hence the gilt house and saintliness - fuck it - she's a better listener than I am). I'm wrestling with staying and trying to grow for ME, not just to assuage his disappointments, and leaving and making a go of it alone, for real. I sometimes feel like I'm dreaming even when I'm awake. I want to wake up and get on with my life.
Fish bones...tiny things. If there were only one, not so bad. But so many? May as well be 2x4s. What comes up from your throat that is causing such discomfort? You can change the words and listen to how they make you feel. Over time it sinks in. "I am good. I have all I need to make my life what I want it to be. I am complete and fully prepared to move ahead in my life with joy and appreciation for who I am and what I have and can do."
Swimming up-river with your mouth open will also cause you to swallow a lot of dead fish bones. You can't go back. You can only move with the current. Find the channel that takes you most smoothly. You'll feel it. Stay with it. You can eddy out once in a while, but this river of life is constantly flowing. You can neither stop it or fight against it.
I have left husbands, boyfriends, many times. Only now do I realize that only I am responsible for my happiness. I am learning to appreciate, shifting negative thoughts to positive thoughts, finding that a great sense of peace and thrilling opportunities are available to me each moment of every day.
Obi Wan said to Luke, "trust your feelings." He is wise. your emotions are the compass of your higher self that KNOWS. Trust them. If you feel bad. Stop. Acknowledge them. Ask what is causing you to feel bad. We don't do this enough because we have learned at an early age how to let everyone else redirect our guidance system. Reacquaint yourself with yours. Let your emotions help you find the things that make you feel good. When you feel good you have amazing power to affect others, not by telling them they need to feel good, but by being unaffected by their desire to push you into their "perfect" mold.
Yes, thats it! "I can neither return nor retreat, I have to advance and I have to master this.." However hard it is, that's the only way to get back to you. I love you, I'm always here for you
Listen to Yer Ma, and Elora. Your path lies downstream. You are being asked to reclaim your feminine power at this time. The Universe is suppling this energy for you. It is divine and therefore perfect. Let it in, feel it flow through you, and go with it. Love who you are, you need no one else. Ignore, ignore, ignore anything outside of you. Look to the power inside. It is all that is real.
LAUGH!
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