I am fucking fed up with beginning.
I would like very much to be in the middle of something.
I feel like I have been beginning my whole life for as long as I've been alive. This doesn't feel rewarding to me. There's no reward yet to reap because for all these years I haven't ever begun.
I am nowhere, no farther forward, not even moving backward. Walking around city centre today, I felt like I was watching myself and everyone else from somewhere external to myself, not really feeling part, feeling like there's some other me waiting in the wings somewhere, ready for her cue. I feel like the rest of me is in stasis. There are moments of feeling balanced. There are moments of feeling positive. And there are crushing moments of being so fucking tired of "no", either said or implied, professionally, personally, theoretically, practically.
I wander intentionally up and down city streets at an even pace, careful not to rush, mindful that the day isn't unlimited. I take up the time allowed in a measured fashion and fill each passing hour with movement or action, just to keep my mind off the "no".
I feel like I've been asked by someone to go out into the world to look for a lost object, but have no clues about it's size, shape, it's function, it's appearance, or it's location. The only instructions I have are to "go outside and find that thing." Is it something I once had that has been lost? No answer. Was it ever mine before now? No answer. Can it be found near here or will I have to look further afield? No answer. Is it bigger than a bread box? No answer. Animal, vegetable or mineral? Does it have anything to do with what I do now? No answer. Am I hot or am I cold? Nothing. No. No.. no. no....
Do I get any hints? ANY hints?
Anything at all?
I'm so tired of "no".
Its as if I'm in waiting for a sign that I'm at least looking in the right direction. How long do I have keep pounding my head against solid walls? Is it a test of wills? Or is it simply a case of might over matter, as in a test of my ability to physically knock the wall down with my head hopefully before I inadvertently bash my own brains in?
There's something in gestation, something hanging, something pending, something or someone is designing the "next big thing" for me but I couldn't tell you what it is or what it looks like, and that frustrates me.
I realised today that I haven't been hugged in a long time and, as stupid as it sounds, I ache for that simple external reminder and reassurance that I am, that I exist, that I'm here and others are too, and that it will get better.
If you see me on the street, feel free to give me a friendly, therapeutic squeeze. I'll buy you a coffee for your contribution.
5 comments:
Your writing touches me, and I just had to write that..... And don't worry, you are to find your direction and yes's. I can feel that, and I'm hardly ever wrong :-)
I am not surprised. Wall yourself up, hold yourself apart, try to stay in the middle swimming against the current, and what do you expect? Life is meant to be lived in joy. I know it sound too simple, but it is just that simple.
Your larger self, is waiting in the wings. Your higher self is waiting for you to open to the bliss that is available to you, in every moment. You are the one pushing, trying, and doing. Stop it. Good or bad, life is amazing, know this, and learn to be one with the adventure of life. All is in divine perfection. You are so blessed to just BE one with all that is.
All Blessings of Light!
There is no reason to constantly believe that your life is something in someone else's control. It is yours alone. Every day, find one thing to appreciate, then make it two, then three. M! says it is just that simple. We have such a penchant for making things as hard as possible, believing that the harder it is, the better reward we will receive. Where has that gotten any of us? Time to be in your life just as it is and all will flow. The river is wide and the current is gentle if you allow yourself to simply be there. It's that easy.
LOVE to you.
Every day is anew pregnant with possibilities. Beginning each and every day in gratitude for the opportunity to experience all the miracles of life. Have know expectation, simply allow life to unfold before you, and be amazed at what comes to you. There is only one rule, "Strict Joy.'
Every day is a new beginning. Om Jai Sai Maa
my friend a few days ago made a confession of love which turned out to be unrequited. afterwards she was saying to me the same thing: i'm tired of waiting, i'm tired of every answer being no. i didn't have much to say, but itook a picture of her then because i was so proud of her.
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