I mentioned the hip hop video blog illdoctrine.com a couple of posts ago, and one of my favourite messages that Jay Smooth talks about on several occasions is regarding what he refers to as "the lil' hater" and how he overcomes it. The lil' hater is the little voice inside all of us who undertake any sort of creative work that delivers negative messages to us and undermines our confidence about what we do.
I have a serious lil' hater. In fact, I've let my lil' hater become a very big hater. And today my lil' hater has been very busy.
I haven't been able to take on new work over the past two months because I've been convalescing after my surgery. Its unfortunate that these things take time, and time is what lets working opportunities slip away in my line of work. I'm recovered, essentially, and have been trying to aquire new jobs. But, like for any creative type, finding work can be tough and slow-going. It's always hard to restart after having stopped.
So the lil' hater talks about how I am not working as much as I should, not focusing on developing projects as much as I should, and how, if I'm not contributing to the greater good and to my own existence, what good am I? What is the point, my lil' hater wonders, in pretending to be something in hopes that I'll become it? It talks about my chosen field and how there are so many better at what I do than I am, and wonders why I ever thought I should be a filmmaker when I'm clearly not making much film right now. My lil' hater also talks about how small my world has become and why I'm groundless because I have no social or creative community in which I operate, and it needles the point that I am really lonely most of the time in my new country. And my lil' hater goes so far as to suggest the possibility that the world would be no worse off if I were to disappear. The worst thing is sometimes I think that lil' hater's right.
here's a two finger salute for you, lil' hater!I'm tired of doing business with my lil' hater. But something about that little voice is, for some reason, stronger than my own today. Today I feel like a non-entity.
4 comments:
Molly,
I know you think, but thinking can get you in a world O' trouble. I wish you to know the truth. When you are ready, you will. I will put something on the iDisk for you. Look tomorrow. Your mind is not your friend. Don't listen to it, lil' haters and all. You are in "The World", not of it. You, are the creator of worlds, of universes, of your own reality this instant. You are a blessing to the world! You will see. -M!
If you let him stick around long enough, Li'l Hater will actually dissolve into your bloodstream, at which point you will become Big Hater. Once complete, the process is irreversible.
You'll be making that two-finger salute all the time. At your bathroom mirror. At the wind when it hits your face. At the stillness when it doesn't move.
The only thing that can neutralize Li'l Hater is his archnemesis, Lotta Chocolate. LC works very quickly and cheaply, but sometimes brings his crazy cousin Li'l Puker to the worksite. So be careful.
Any particular brand of chocolate? I don't like milk chocolate... is that ok? Answers! I need answers, man!
I like the ass-whompin' part...you go girl. Dad's right. Don't think. I don't anymore I guess. And yes, you are a blessing to the world. You'll see!
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